“A definition of eternity: a ham and two people.”

Some have attributed this remark to the witty Dorothy Parker, but its existence actually dates back to the original public edition of The Joy of Cooking by Irma S. Rombauer.

Indeed, though I didn’t find it in my 1943 edition, I did find it in the other three I have -- 1953, 1964 and 1975. Perhaps Rombauer felt there was little room for wit or such a surfeit of riches during WWII, but the subsequent volumes elaborate to say that “the definition probably dates from the days when the term applied only to the small mountain of meat we now call a whole ham – the cured and smoked hind of a hog. Now that there is a wide variety of cuts and sizes available, eternity has somewhat shortened.”

Well, I hate to differ with the venerable Joy of Cooking legacy, but eternity was definitely in da house over the 2010 holidays.

Usually, the holiday meal revolves around days-long preparation and cooking of some delightful sustainably produced local fare. This year, we were not only out of town and without the usual contacts, but also hemmed and hawed so long over what to do that we found our options dwindling fast.

Despite having experienced the truth of the opening quote several times in years past, we found ourselves eyeing the uncured hams at Trader Joe’s. At least they were uncured, we said, and we rummaged through the dozen or so until we found the very smallest one. A mere four-plus pounds, we marveled, why ‘tis a mere slip of a meat!

So we begin "The Ham Chronicles"…

Day One: Harmless enough and quite delightful. A baked ham for Christmas accompanied by scalloped potatoes, green beans and a lovely chutney. In addition, being of little willpower, there was also much grazing and nibbling of ham bits while we were stowing the food away in the fridge – damn you, spiral slicing!

Day Two: Yummy -- got a plain cheese pizza and tricked it up with ham and pineapple for a football night! In addition, being of little willpower, there was also much grazing and nibbling of ham bits throughout the day. Really though, aren’t we all powerless against the spiral slicing?

Day Three: We’re still good. Lovely ham and cheddar cheese omelettes with the leftover potatoes standing in as hash browns. In addition, still being of little willpower, there was also much grazing and nibbling of ham bits throughout the day. I think it was today that this exact phrase was uttered: “But it looked so small next to all the others.” (Okay, note to self: start hanging out immediately with sumo wrestlers and NFL linemen.)

Day Four: Driving back home with ham and cheddar cheese sandwiches with stoneground mustard. Tasty indeed, but are we there yet? To the end of the ham, I mean?

Day Five: A riff on a Portuguese soup – threw the bone into a pot with lots of veggies to make stock, chopped up the rest of the ham chunks and threw those in with potatoes and other veggies, mushed up some of the potatoes against the side of the pot to thicken the soup towards the end, then threw in some chopped kale. In addition -- and puuuhleeeease who am I even kidding about having any willpower at all -- there was also much grazing and nibbling of ham bits throughout the day.

At any rate, thus did end The Ham Chronicles after “only” five days. Really not so bad I guess, and would have lasted longer sans the continual grazing and nibbling. However, I’m still really not too much in the mood for pork products (bacon doesn’t ever count though), and here it is the day after the Feast of the Epiphany. Perhaps the “epiphany” refers to the realization that you’ll never, ever, ever cook a ham for two people?

Yeah, right. When’s Easter?

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Homemade Corned Beef

Speaking of uncured meat … St. Patty’s Day is just around the corner, as are plates and plates of oddly pink corned beef. Well, okay yes, corned beef is a cured meat, but here's a way to do it without that glowing chemical pink. It’s actually very easy, and if you're really sold on "the pink" feel free to toss in a bit of saltpeter, aka sodium nitrate.

The meat needs about three weeks to cure, so plan ahead -- a brisket-type cut works best. I like to kick up the spices, but if you like less, just cut back on the garlic and peppercorns, or add more variations such as paprika or even hot peppers. (*Pickling spice ingredients -- usually whole or in coarse pieces -- can include allspice, bay leaves, cardamom, cinnamon, cloves, coriander, ginger, mustard seeds and peppercorns. Blends are easily available if you don’t want to buy in quantity.

1 beef brisket, approximately 3-4 pounds
2 quarts hot water
1 cup kosher salt
1 Tablespoon sugar
2 bay leaves
2-3 teaspoons black peppercorns
2 peeled garlic cloves, mashed
1 Tablespoon pickling spice*
1-2 Tablespoons white or apple cider vinegar (optional)

Trim beef of extra fat, then wash and dry, and rub with 3 to 4 tablespoons salt.
Dissolve remainder of salt in hot water.
Stir in spices and vinegar.
Place beef in enameled or glass pot or stone crock (be SURE not to use a reactive metal one) and pour the salted water over it.
Weigh down meat with plate or other heavy object so that the meat is completely covered by the brine.
Cover pot and refrigerate for about three weeks, turning the meat once or twice a week.
When ready to cook, discard marinade, wash meat well to remove the brine and prepare according to your favorite corned beef recipe.

For wine pairing -- A classic Pinot Noir will have enough tannins to stand up to the corned beef and enough fruit and other flavor profiles to complement sides like cabbage.

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Eat Locally!

January is Restaurant Month in San Luis Obispo County, so check out the list of those offering 3 courses for $30 and help support our local eateries. If you don’t live in SLO County, embody the spirit of the 3/50 Project and support at least one of your favorite local restaurants!